If you are like me and long since sick of Trump, you are ready to smuggle some Mexicans into the good ol’ USA. Still,you are probably wondering “How on earth does one defeat a wall in this day and age?”
From a historical perspective, we’ve only been climbing over walls for a few million years or maybe only 10,000, but we don’t do it quite as often these days. We’ve gained a few pounds and aren’t in quite as good shape, but the good news is that it’s even easier than a thousand million years ago.
Back in the good old days, they were making ladders out of grass so you might be thinking:
“WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?”
“GRASS?!?! I ONLY SMOKE THAT STUFF.”
They weren’t using the good stuff. Or at least I don’t think they were. But it’s true, our ancient brethren were making their ladders out of grass. Luckily, the world has moved on and we have better ways now.
So maybe now you are thinking, “Well, I could buy 150 drones and synchronize them together into a giant social justice Voltron warrior and carry people over one at a time.” And while that is one way to do it, there is such a thing as being too high tech. While it would be fun to watch, 150 drones is likely to attract the wrong kind of attention. So don’t do it.
Now you are probably back to the drawing board, except if you are like me you don’t draw but you do watch a lot of TV. So you are probably having this urge to find the set of Game of Thrones and take Jon Snow out to drinks and trick that bastard into giving away the secrets of the Wall. Resist that urge. It’s just a TV show. He’s just an actor. He’s not really Jon Snow or even a bastard. There is not really a giant wall made of ice in the North. It’s just Canada. And America likes our Wildings white so we don’t work as hard to keep them out.
Of course, you might decide to go old school and remember that catapult move in Robin Hood. The version with Kevin Costner. That’s another bad idea. They were stuntmen. While a catapult does seem to work well for smuggling drugs, it is unlikely to work well for actual humans.
Yes. Even with a stack of hay on the American side.
So what then?
Well, it’s a little late for back to school time, but we can still get back to basics. While times have changed, the ladder is still the #1 way to get over a wall. But the good news is that they are made of metal now and there is unlikely to be guy at the top waiting to topple the ladder over or pour boiling oil on top of you.
So now for the steps:
STEP 1: Buy a tall ladder. Look for models certified Weapon of Wall Abroachment (WWA) by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). Don’t forget to save your receipt in case you want to return it later.
STEP 2: Lean the ladder against the Trump Wall making sure the feet are stable. Make sure the feet are clear of any brush or small rocks that may shift while you are climbing up. Have a friend hold the bottom of the ladder if it feels unstable. The top of the ladder should go over the top by a few feet for safety. Refer to your owner’s manual for further details.
STEP 3: Climb to the top of the Trump Wall. Resist the urge to cheer or take any selfies flipping Trump the bird. You have a mission to attend to.
STEP 4: Pull ladder up to top of the wall.
STEP 5: Put ladder on other side wall where undocumented immigrants await. Have them do the same check for any brush or small rocks that may shift beneath the feet of the ladder. Note, they may have their own ladder, because they aren’t dumb in which case you can skip this step.
STEP 6: Have undocumented immigrants climb to top of wall. Don’t shout down to them, but give them a wave. Shouting may attract border agents.
STEP 7: Pull ladder back to the top of the wall and place it back on the American Imperialist side.
STEP 8: Climb to bottom of the wall with immigrants.
STEP 9: Run from any incoming border patrol agents. This may or may not include a car chase. Be safe!
STEP 10: Return ladder to store. This step is technically optional as ladders are also helpful around the house for tasks such as cleaning your gutters which is important because as the Stark’s motto goes “Winter is coming”.
NOTE: If you have extra money you can buy two ladders and smuggle undocumented immigrants twice as fast.
EXPERT TIP: Do not drive an American car to the border to import Mexicans as they have a strong probability for breaking down. Also you have an image of “hating America” to keep up. How would it look if you drove an American car?
Jagjeet Khalsa is the managing editor at ROAR. He recently took the leap back into writing and blogging. His older work can be found on Broken Snow Globe and Haikus I Never Wanted. He can also be found making food haikus on Instagram and food faces on TastyFaces.