My Abortion #140: Wished For More Support

Roar will publish a first-person story about abortion, “My Abortion: A Daily Story,” every day for at least 365 days.

Today’s story was originally published at the Thanks, Abortion! website, and it features the story of Emma, from Tonga.

They say everyone may go through the same situation, but everyone will have a different experience. I agree.

I am 23 years old, and a medical student. I met guy in school, while I was doing summer courses. At that time I wasn’t looking for anything, I was already recovering from a past long term relationship that ended up badly, and I had many family problems to deal with, so the last thing on my mind was going in a relationship. He was sweet and he did many things to pursue me in being with him. I thought, “Hey why not.. he seems different and nice.. it doesn’t look like he’ll hurt me.” BOY WAS I WRONG!

After two months of being together I got pregnant.. I wasn’t in love with him, but I did like him. Anyways I told him that I didn’t want to keep this baby… we both were still in school and I come from a very conservative family. So having sex and getting pregnant will cause so much disappointment for my mother. I couldn’t do that. and so I couldn’t tell a soul about this. He agreed to my decision immediately, and we were fine up until school was over and each of us left home for the break. Before he left he told me he’ll stay in contact with me and he’ll come visit me as soon as he settles in. I had a gut feeling that he was bullshitting… so I didn’t take his word, and I knew this would end as soon as this abortion would end. He is not someone I could see my life with, he was like a boy and I wanted a reliable man. A man of his word. He was none of that. So I decided to do the abortion while I was at home, so I booked an appointment and went. The staff were very friendly, and the doctor was amazing. I went alone of course because I couldn’t tell anyone. I knew people would judge me and my decision and at that time with all the emotional effects, you want to get it over and done with.

I had a surgical abortion at six weeks pregnant. I didn’t feel much pain and I bled normally. I felt relieved after the procedure. I went home and just relaxed for the rest of the day waiting for his call. When he called I told him all went well and he was relieved! Well that was the last I heard of him! After that he got busy with studying and so did I. He wouldn’t call… he wouldn’t respond to my calls, or texts. and so I left it at that and I sent a text saying, “I’m assuming were done.” I never got a reply back. That was it! I knew it would… I expected it, so I wasn’t shocked… he is not a man of his word.

Now its been five weeks after the procedure and it’s been a month since I heard from him. I don’t regret my choice… it was the best thing I could do. One, I didn’t want a child with a guy that can’t man up to his mistake and can’t be a man in general and stand by me when I need him the most. And two, I can’t have a child and raise it alone with no father around, I can never do that to my child and make them go through the pain I have with a lack of father.

What really hurts the most is the betrayal, the lies, the broken situation. I was never in love with him, but the way he acted towards the situation hurts. I am not someone he picked up from the streets and left the second day. The least he could have done is support me emotionally while I was going through this, and he knew I was going through this alone. All I needed was friend to ask about me.

There are days better than other, I get upset when I think about what happened and how stupid I was to get deceived. But we go through situations like this to make us stronger.

I do feel much stronger than before, more independent, and wiser. The pain will subside but the experience will stick with me forever changing a lot of things in my life… hopefully to the better…

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” – Erdrich

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