Chief ‘El Chapo Prison Tunnel’ Architect Tapped For First Tunnel Under Trump Wall

Mexico City, Mexico – As planning commences for building the Mexico’s first tunnel under the Trump Wall, President Vincente Fox announced Javier Martinez as Chief Architect today. Best known for architecting the infamous ‘El Chapo Prison Tunnel’, he was thought to be one of the leading candidates for the position.

Mr. Martinez expressed feeling honor at the appointment. He is said to be considering all tunnel building options, but being a family man he would prefer something that is child friendly.  

“I think something that children could enjoy would be best. While a ‘motorbike on rails’ was great for a drug lord escaping from a prison, a more traditional train ride would be more fun for families while still allowing for drug trade,” he stated.

Still, he is just now beginning to explore ideas. He noted that an unnamed Japanese company had already called him expressing interest in doing a bullet train under the wall which would allow for the rapid transport of undocumented workers and drugs from Mexico to the US. He appeared unfazed at the high cost of a bullet train saying it would be a great investment for Mexican industry and the Mexican people as a whole.

“Bullet trains are also spookily quiet,” he noted.

Other tunnel architecture firms seemed dismayed at not being chosen, but did not appear too worried due to strong demand for future tunnels. Speaking on behalf of the National Tunnel Architectural Association, President Ana Gonzalez noted,  “Trump’s Wall hasn’t even been build yet so we’re only at the beginning of the market for building tunnels”. That statement has been echoed among other tunnel building groups.

Experts say that at least an additional ten tunnels are currently in the planning stages and that what will come as a surprise twist to many that Americans will be the ones paying for the tunnels.

“It’s going to be HUGE”  joked a Mexican drug lord who wished to remain anonymous.

“That’s the great thing about drugs. When you get people addicted, they will pay for anything,” another anonymous drug lord stated.

It appears they are right. After snubbing Trump and rejecting the idea of payment by for Trump’s Wall, President Vincente Fox appears to be in driving position of a country poised to build numerous tunnels to the US in the coming years primarily on behalf of US drug users.

Still in all of that, there is some good news for poor and middle class Americans. The rich are expected to pay 95% of the costs of the tunnels. It is believed their love for high priced cocaine and other synthetic drugs will cover the majority of the costs.

However, experts cautioned too much optimism as Americans as a whole will still be getting hit twice with one of the experts stating,

“[Americans] will first pay for the Trump’s Wall to block drugs and workers from crossing the border and then they will pay for tunnels beneath Trump’s Wall to allow drugs and workers back into the country. This is in addition to new tunnels needed when Border Patrol occasionally shuts down existing tunnels. You really could not come up with a more costly method for importing drugs and workers into a country.“


Jagjeet Khalsa is the production editor at ROAR. He recently took the leap back into writing and blogging. His older work can be found on Broken Snow Globe and Haikus I Never Wanted. He can also be found making food haikus on Instagram.

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