My Abortion #111: Dear Self at Thirty

Roar will publish a first-person story about abortion, “My Abortion: A Daily Story,” every day for at least 365 days.

Today’s story is a prose poem by Tori Grant Welhouse in which she forgives herself because “Unwanted is not a place to begin.”

I forgive you. Biology is not your friend. Every time you made love the barrier. A diaphragm. The rubber dishing the womb. Every. Single. Time. Except for when. Your beautiful son. Smiling boy, hair the color of red horizon. With designs on your lap. He liked it there, the rumble chamber. Shame is only part of the story.

I forgive you. You prayed picketers wouldn’t revolt your intention. Every decision made in the crucible of the heart. Your heart. Your crucible. A deal is a deal is a deal. Fatherhood is not for everyone. You brought a child into this world already. Obligation leaves you high and sighing. Stranded. And so alone. You hear your bones  cant, cant canting for six weeks. Unwanted is not a place to begin.

I forgive you. The procedure sounds like violence. Dilation and curettage. Words for empty. You are naked with regret. Legs opening only to woe. You are without job, without health insurance. Your husband dreads the table with his flat forehead. You feel him like alarm. The nurse presses down on your chest with judgment. Her Doublemint® in your face. The muscles of your heart gallop with anesthesia.

I forgive you. Possibility collapses like a speculum, seeing into yourself. A mirrored funhouse edging disbelief. Despite all. Here you are. Days in a dark room. Nobody said it would be easy. You hear knocking outside the door. You yearn for new circumstances. To reassemble the pieces around what was lost. To forget the godawful scraping on your soul.

Tori is a poet, cheese lover from Wisconsin, active volunteer with the Wisconsin Fellowship of Poets, and most recently helping to launch the new literary magazine Bramble. She has a chapbook, Canned, with Finishing Line Press and has published individual poems elsewhere. She is currently working on the collection Wombdom.  She writes regularly in her blog, and is active on twitter @torigw.






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