Roar will publish a first-person story about abortion, “My Abortion: A Daily Story,” every day for at least 365 days.
Today’s story comes from #ShoutOutYourAbortion, a decentralized network of individuals talking about abortion on our own terms. The day after Trump was elected, Kristina wanted to “see women who have had abortions speak up and tell our stories!” And she tells hers.
Forty three years ago, when I was 25, I got pregnant together with my 22 year-old boyfriend. Together, we made the choice to abort. I had a spiritual friend who invited us to talk to the spirit of the baby. We had a tender talk, with tears and questions asked and answered. After that conversation, I understood how I am responsible for choosing to live in a way that I know I have something of value to share with a child. So my choice was to abort and then devote myself to growing wiser, stronger, more creatively expressed and fulfilled before becoming a mother. Sad and relieved, my boyfriend said this was his choice, too.
I am grateful that the woman doctor and nurses were warm, friendly and helped me be at ease. My boyfriend came with me and drove me home to his parents house, where I was welcomed to rest in their guest room – a simple, all white room that opened onto a courtyard. For the next several days, I rested, read Eileen Caddy’s book God Spoke To Me, and wrote in my journal. I felt as if my whole body was being filled and renewed with white light. A profound gentleness streamed through me. I can still feel that as I am writing today.
Over the next several years my spiritual and creative growth unfolded with a dreamlike quality. I was drawn to a women’s spirituality circle to study the herstory of women’s art, goddess cultures, healing herbs, hands on healing. A pamphlet called Witches, Midwives and Healers had a deep impact on me, as I began to understand how women’s wisdom was suppressed for thousands of years. I went to live at the Findhorn Community (which was started by Eileen and Peter Caddy) in Scotland. I was amazed at how my creative abilities emerged and flourished working in the kitchen there.
When I returned to the States, I began to study and teach holistic healing and natural foods cooking. One day I knew inside myself that I was going to write a book. I sat at the typewriter and an outline of all the chapter titles poured onto the page. Four years later, when I held the first copy of my self-published Self-Healing Cookbook, I wrapped it in a baby blanket and passed it round a circle of friends to be blessed. Sometime in the middle of writing that book I remember writing down that I wanted it to support me while I birthed and raised a child.
I learned shiatsu and often received acupuncture sessions for well-being. During one session, I experienced a big rush of energy travel up my legs. The next day I had a release of very dark menstrual blood. The acupuncturist said it was clearing an old blockage….and my mind flashed to grief I had not completely expressed after the abortion. I understand now that grief has many layers. Only after that release did I begin to wonder if I wanted to become a mother now, and to talk deeply with my husband about those wonderings.
The storyline of life doesn’t go in a straight line. The year my book was published, my dear husband Rich was diagnosed with melanoma. Two years later, after his death, I met and married Matthew. And the next year, when I was 40, I gave birth to our fabulous son, Calen. Twenty seven years later, the cookbook is still selling!
One day after Donald Trump was elected, we were all sitting in my kitchen – my ex-husband Matthew, my son, one his friends, and my dear friend Nan, sharing our fears about how this election will impact so many vulnerable people. I invited us to turn the conversation away from fear and towards what we want to create in the world now. “You know what I want to see?” I said. “I want to see women who have had abortions speak up and tell our stories!” I shared with them the story I am sharing with you here.